1 pm

19 Sep

She woke up feeling fat.
PMS.
Would men ever understand?
Would she?

She wasn’t one for pity or shame. Shimmying into her tiniest bikini “PMS be damned!” she exclaimed, then poured a glass of wine and lounged under the gentle afternoon sunshine.
1 pm.

This week, she had been all about breaks: giving her body, brain, and heart one. The box of mementos she dug through recently reflected someone fierce. Strong. A chaser of dreams, an adventurer if there ever was one. But these days, that wasn’t her.

She was tired. Lost. Walking the marathon of life. It’s not that things were bad, for they certainly weren’t. It was the mediocrity of it all that killed her. Good enough just wasn’t enough. Not for her. She was always one with big plans, chasing life, grabbing on as if hanging from a speeding train. Pushing herself, always, to succeed, achieve, faster, better, stronger, one more set, one more page, one more song… But lately, wasn’t she just enough? The way she stood there, naked with all her faults? Someone should love her down to the bones, defects and all. She expected that of others, so why not of herself? Tired of being her own worst enemy, she gave herself a gift: a few days to do as she pleased, without thinking about silly things like proper manners and custom and what others would think.

So she drank more wine than she knew she should, and peeled off one more layer, took off one more mask for him;
She ignored phone calls and texts, and read and ate breakfast and wrote honest words, all in bed; She left her nails chipped and didn’t wear makeup, slept naked without brushing her teeth, picked wildflowers, sang in the shower, and danced in her room with eyes closed until everything stood suspended and she felt alone in the world, without worries or pain, or fears of tears and goodbyes;
With no heartaches or thoughts of future “I love you’s” and crushed hearts;
With no insecurities or need for covers and masks;
No miscommunications, unsaid words, half-empty glasses and gray skies;
Only sun and light.
Flowers, sunrises, and starry nights.

Only Love. And peace.

That’s all she needed.
That’s all everyone ever needs.
Love.
Peace.

She repeated the mantra in her mind until PMS felt like a silly little thing.

Closing Time

17 Sep

Sitting under twinkling lights
On a deserted street
It’s dark outside
But my legs are bare
Hair undone
Blisters on my soft hands
But my heart is whole

No,
I don’t get paid enough
And some like to say
“You’re better than this”
But sitting here,
In peace
Sipping my local craft beer
Listening to Damien Rice
This is my life
This is my closing time
And I’m worthy of it
Because It
Is worthy of me.

Money isn’t everything.

In fact,
It isn’t much at all.

Cherry Bomb

16 Sep

Woke up with a cherry bomb

Fuzzy mornings are best

Watching water fall like stardust

Over flowers that will soon

Shrivel and die

Wishing the world always looked like it does through

my window

Like it does through

Hazel eyes.

Can’t pretend to be someone I’m not

My strength?

It’s fragile

My heart?

Locked

I held the key once, but now it belongs to anyone but me

You, perhaps?

I hate fear, but I’m

afraid

Of not being good enough

for you,

And worst of all,

Of not being good enough

for me.

Cherry bomb
Cherry bomb
Another one, please.

Moments

12 Sep

I thought I had found my spot

but in the nook between your shoulder and neck

is where my head belongs

So I close my eyes and inhale your scent

Deeply, so I can feel  you inside me again

You smell like you

I like that

With your small town charm and strong arms

I look at you in disbelief most times

As I realize, all the way over here from my airplane seat,

That God  really was listening to me, after all

 

Lovesick

Yes Darling, lovesick

Don’t need any medicine for it either

Oh no, I want to drown in this

To die like this

In the nook between your shoulder and neck,

During the silent touches exchanged between us

The calm after the storm,

The caresses I give you  to make up for all the scratches and scars

Yes, I got my claws

But I also have a heart

And when you lay there and call me “you” with those eyes

Those are the moments I wait for in life

And I never knew it before, but I do now

So I’ve been living for the moments when, if even for a second, I forget who I am, who you are, and we enter another dimension together, as if in a brand new life;

as if a world of opportunity just opened up before us;

and the only ones who share this secret are you and I-

I wait for these moments,

when I both lose and find myself in you

In this,

In us,

In Omaha.

 

Small town boy

You’ve given me the world

Least I can do

is bring you with me to the stars.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lovely

10 Sep

“What planet are you from?” He asked, grunting in between breaths.

She smiled cooly, timing her hips to the rhythm of her words, as she answered almost in meow form: “The same one you’re in now.” Lowering her chest slowly against his, she turned her lips into his neck as she whispered “Welcome,” leaving a trail of kisses behind on his skin.

That’s who she was. At least sometimes. And Lord knows she needed nights like these. She was, after all, a great performer. And like any performer, sometimes she needed a stage. Slithering against his body, licking his shoulders, neck, thighs… She knew how to move, knew how to push his buttons and how to hold the sole undivided attention of her audience. In fact, she thought, she never had a problem getting a standing ovation. The thought made her laugh and think of how clever she was. Then, sitting there, laughing out loud alone, she thought of how dorky she was also.

Alone on the couch on a saturday night, she sat eating Trader Joe’s boxed pizza and drinking a great glass of Tempranillo wine, thinking of him and last night.

Sure, she was a sex kitten- but she was also a marching band nerd. She liked to think it was all part of her magic, to be such opposing things all at once- to be adaptable, fluid in the flow of life. Nothing was black and white. No, not to her. There were colors that perhaps sometimes only she could see. And inside, her beating heart ached for the weak, the poor, the sick, and she absorbed their pain as if it were her own, as if it in a mud bath- it all just seeped right into her skin, down to her soul and bones. So when the newspaper came, she learned early on to skip right to the comics. She needed fantasy because reality was at times just too much. She wasn’t dumb, by no means; she had more scholarly merit than she’d care to speak of. It made her uncomfortable to boast. “Let who I am speak for itself,” she thought. She read people well, and figured they’d be able to do the same right back to her. But maybe they couldn’t and maybe that was her gift. In the dark, she could transform into the woman he needed, before he even knew exactly who that was.

But tonight who she needed to be was the girl with the night off and no plans, except to maybe polish off that boxed pizza and maybe finish that bottle of wine. Why, she had never done that before!

Looking at the city below, seeing the cool weather wrap itself around the clouds, she searched the sky for hummingbirds. She needed frivolous beauty tonight; to see strength and fragility combined; she needed to grow wings and fly, because her imagination was too big for this simple kind of life. She needed nights like this. Because sometimes the fuze in her kitchen-in-a-closet blew if she tried to cook two things at once, and not too long ago, all she could afford to eat was green lentils. That $4.95 pizza and $10 bottle of wine were a luxury. No one else but her knew that tonight. No one else but her felt privileged with this meal.

And as hard as life sometimes got, it would never change her mind: Life was beautiful. She was blessed. She had enough, and enough was plenty. When these thoughts flooded her head, she was glad to be alone, sitting and writing in the dark, while occasionally peeping to see the skyline ahead. She wouldn’t want to prove her theory to anyone tonight, or to argue with a pessimist about the beauty in life. Alone, her theory stood as absolute truth. Satisfied with her train of thought, she reclined back, listening to music she thought was cool, until she traveled so far into her mind that she forgot who and where she was.

“Lovely,” she thought.

Julia

5 Sep

I recline back
Lungs full of smoke
Heart filled with words I can’t explain
Who have I been these days?
It’s strange not hearing your voice,
Forgetting your name

Please Julia
Sing me away
Because tonight the skies are gray
Dead without stars
The breeze’s turned cold
Summer is gone
And I’m everything I’ve ever been.

Stupid Happy

3 Sep

Rubbing the sleep off your eyes

You give me that face

The one that still looks surprised

To find me laying here beside you.

 

Darling, have I told you yet just how much I like you?

I’m sure my eyes have betrayed me

If my mouth has somewhat managed

to stay silent this long

 

It’s not like me to fall like this

It’s not safe to be this unafraid

This comfortable,

this bare,

this happy around you.

But if the other shoe’s gotta drop

I bet I can catch it before we both hit the floor

 

A little faith, love

Maybe scars can heal

Hearts made new

Maybe you’re my salvation

Or maybe it’s just finally our turn

to be stupid happy

in life

in love.