If you’ve been curious,
if you’ve been thinking about me,
I’m still cursing your name under my breath
Trying to understand why
I was never enough to warrant a few minutes of your time
after all the hours we spent losing track of it.
Anger fills my heart
Tell me, how should I handle it?
My heart only recognizes love
And curse as I may
You’re still here;
In the flakes of snow that fall from the sky,
In the concrete buildings of the city,
In a farmer’s hands,
In your mother’s eyes;
You’re worlds apart and still,
I find you everywhere-
I write for you,
I sing for you,
I cry for you,
I pray for you,
I pretend things are great for you,
I even lie to myself for you.
I don’t know how much more predictive I can be
I was a fool,
And you just took advantage of it
That day you asked if I always fell for jerks
I said “not always”
Thinking you wouldn’t be another one of them;
And I won’t any longer.
Writing in my head.
In bed, spilling tears
While now and then mouthing “thanks”
Because of all the bad things I am,
grateful isn’t one of them.
Do you ever put off facing your feelings?
Alone in the dark I wonder
Is someone else’s world falling apart under the covers tonight?
And if so, we must meet
So we can both not be alone.
A snack, a sigh of pleasure,
an earplug to keep out the sounds from this music house
Then finally… sleep
But what’s it worth to me
if even if my dreams, I’m losing you.
Retiring some songs,
all those that made me think of you.
Retiring my heart too while I’m at it,
Locking it and hiding the key
So I won’t hurt any longer,
So you won’t be able to hurt me.
Rain drops distort the flickering lights outside my window to a somber blur
The stillness finds me restless
But the silence doesn’t move me to speak
and break the serenity I feel in this moment,
under the covers
Hiding from everyone but me
Slipping deeper into myself,
I search the corners of my heart and mind
Not for answers
Not for questions
But for a statement that will enlighten me
Where so many others have failed
Some days I am my own greatest companion
My body and mind know what to do to give me pleasure
And in this stillness
I cherish the thoughts I keep unshared-
Secrets are so delectable.
I walk home
drowning, choking, crying
talking to myself
wishing you were listening to the words I cannot speak
Comparing my tears to the puddles of rain I step in
surrounded by three glass walls with a pay phone ahead of me
I drown in my tears and choke on my words
And all I manage to get out of my mouth are some awkward words
I need a friend, a companion
I don’t need a savior
Please stop trying to save me
Yes, I’m a mess
But hey, at least I’m honest
I know right now I have very little to work with
But hey babe,
I don’t need your credit cards
your expensive gifts
I don’t need your promises
of better days and forevermore
No, I don’t need to be a part of your new appartment
or sleep in your expensive sheets
I’ve got my soul to keep me warm,
I got my heart to pull me forward
and if I’m saved at all,
it’ll be on my terms
By my own grace,
My fragile strength.
The shape of your neck
The lines on your face
I am hypnotized by the smallest parts of you
Things no one may notice
I look at all the details
And try to memorize your face
Burn the picture of you on my brain
Like the best mystery novel
I want to uncover you
Discover all the secrets you never share
Take off your masks
I’ll undress my soul
And we can have ourselves an honest affair
Let my mind discover yours
My fingers trace the past of your steps
Our lips can say so much
But tell me with your eyes
The stories you have yet to write
Speak with your mind
Move with your soul
And you’ll win over my heart
Don’t promise forever
But don’t tell me never
Maybe we should give this a try?
Your smile and kind eyes
hands and fingertips
and legs entangled with mine;
That mess of lips and hair
loss of breath
Dancing limbs with desperate hands
Gasping for air
We’re past desire
Biting my lip
All that’s left to do is beg
for one more dance,
One more chance
for you to steal my breath away
and taste in my lips the words I’ll never say.