– Do you think I could? Love someone knowing they would die?
– Yes, he said.
We walked, blurry eyes and mouths frozen in a smile, uncertain of what the future held and if it would find us together. I wanted to be that selfless, caring person he saw. I looked at the waves and wished I could be lost in them, like a sea horse that never has to rationalize its feelings and stays in love forever.
I didn’t want to try and be someone else. It wasn’t that I was selfish. Quite the opposite. In loving another, I knew I would give myself entirely. And when the day came, and it would come, and they left this world, I would be left shattered and broken, missing the part of me that I liked the most: the part that was not mine, but belonged to another.
I tried to explain my thoughts, but not every feeling can be expressed with words.
So I settled for saying that maybe I would try. But inside, the first fundamental pieces of us started to break and fall apart.