Still

One feet after the other

I walk into a bright room only to turn off the lights

my body craves the cold sheets, the solitude in darkness

Face up, hands to my sides, I close my eyes and begin to talk

to myself, to God, to whoever wants to listen

I ask questions until I get lost in my thoughts,

swiftly zipping in and out of prayer and curse words

I can’t concentrate

Does he even listen to me still?

I want to tell him I’m lost

Is this my life? is this the big plan?

Between bouts of happiness so deep I clutch my heart and tears I hide in the dark

I’m left utterly confused as to the state of my heart.

There’s gotta be more than just this love, this life, this night filled with questions and doubts

I’m not weak but I don’t feel strong

I hold on for love, for comfort, for happiness

but in a corner of my mind somewhere I constantly ask myself

whether I’m just settling, for a life of 9 to 5 and sunday night dinners

There might be more out there

but I’m scared.

I lay still and try to forget.

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