10 O’clock Nights

Aching back and tired legs

I force my steps to follow the path they’ve learned to take;

Neither straight ahead nor too much to the left

In a criss-cross pattern

No destination in sight

Getting used to this motion,

My new life’s notion

But still missing the magic potion

The sense of purpose my steps once had.

At times,

On these 10’o clock nights

I like to tell myself this is the good life

That I’m living my purpose:

That of having none;

Of throwing caution to the wind and spending my days out in the sun

Supporting a farmer’s passion while wishing I could just find my own

But these darks skies tonight are hiding from lights

Sitting here on my solo bus ride

From my window seat,

Asking my destiny to the night

And as I start leading my feet back to the music house

I feel in the pit of my stomach, with every step

The empty spot in my heart

Where my sense of purpose and passion used to reside

This isn’t my forever, I know

Just wish I could distinguish what else there could ever be

Tired of explaining myself to total strangers;

Of coming up with reasons why happiness is worth more than money to me;

Of dealing with their logic;

My head’s had enough of it

And all that’s left

Is the thumping beat of my heart inside

So if you see

Me, tonight

Writing on my phone with tears in my eyes during this solo bus ride

Sit quietly beside me

Smile sweetly with your lips

Then tell me

Silently, using your eyes as words

That I’m doing the right thing

That I’m just fine

That here, in this bus seat

Surrounded by gifts from farmers and one beautiful, giant sunflower

Is exactly where I’m supposed to be

No more

No less

Just this

This night,

Like all my other 10 o’clock nights.

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