3 Words

I said them once upon a time

Then many many times after that

The levity of the words floating out of my heart through my vocal chords

Always gifted to the same person

Until the day came and I had to  keep the words to myself

Locked inside my heart they lost their meaning

And now it’s been years since I’ve said them

while you have never said them at all.

These two things, tragic as they are, makes it hard to say those simple words out loud

But I whisper them with my heart every now and then,

when you make me coffee in the mornings and sit with me on that tiny couch to listen to the news

and we laugh together at the same things and discuss world events, and sit cross legged on the carpet eating breakfast

Somedays we even put our hands together and bow to each other and mumble our version of japanese for “bon appetit”

And I always disrupt the news to ask you random questions about random things,

But you don’t mind, and you always know the answer

So I smile and whisper the words again in my heart,

And it’ll be this way until I’m certain it’s safe to say them out loud

Then I’ll scream them so your neighbors hear,

so you hear me loud and clear,

the three words ringing and floating out of my vocal chords straight to your heart,

where maybe you whisper those words to me too,

every now and then,

when I say things wrong or try to be so close to you that I end up pushing you out of bed.

Fine Failure

“Sometimes you have to look at your life and look at your priorities and decide if they match up.  And if they don’t, you can’t allow yourself to shrug your shoulders and sigh with disapointment.

You are not a failure, you are never a failure.  You are a work in progress, a beautiful, horrific, lovely, awkward, shameful, fabulous, glowing, dramatic work of art.  Some days your colors are like the rainbow, shaking and trembling with their conherence.  Some days they all drip to the bottom of the canvas, a brown puddle.  But you can always start again.  You deserve a life you want to live, you deserve a life that makes you crave the daylight so you can begin again, you deserve a life that makes you smile, but you deserve a life so full and true that you cry as well.”

Neon Gypsy

Failing is hard. Mainly because it changes our character, making us stronger. It changes our direction and reminds us that life really can’t be all neatly planned out. So I won’t be ashamed of failing because I’m not perfect, I’m not a robot. I’m a human full of beautiful imperfections and halves that don’t quite make a whole. And that’s ok, to be missing pieces of ourselves only to discover them along the way; to pick them out of starry nights and windy days by the water, nights by candlelight and mornings spent in sunshine with the one you love. Life is imperfect, we’re imperfect, and it is all perfectly fine.

Every. single. thing. will. be. just. fine.

Peace, Magic, Love

The new rebellion is not hatred or destruction.
The best way to fight is one they will not expect,
Is to be someone they don’t anticipate,
One who doesn’t believe one human is better than another
The secret is in the acceptance,
the unconditional love and support to those around us.
It is in the love to a stranger, the offering to buy dinner,
the paying of a toll for the person behind you
that we win
This magic, this love, is our new beginning.
It is our time, it is our revolt.

Burning House

Not that I keep a suitcase ready under my bed, or that I have an irrational fear of my house catching on fire, but I found this  website today and got inspired.

These are the things I would grab if I ever needed to leave my house in an emergency:

Thing I could, but would not want, to live without

– “Le Petit Prince” by Antoine de Saint-Exupery: It is my absolute favorite book, this particular one a vintage french copy given to me by my parents when I first started taking french in high school. My mother also used to read this book to me when I was growing up in Brazil.

– Vintage Chanel purse

– Macbook Pro: For all the photos and music

– Mars at Venus studded leather jacket

– Iphone

– Chambray long sleeve shirt

– Red plaid dress: I used to have a similar one that was my favorite growing up, so this dress always reminds me of my childhood

– Monsieur Le Frog: stuffed animal given to me by my two younger brothers on Christmas three years ago and who keeps me company when I sleep

– Antique gold wristwatch: I found this beauty at a random antique store in Bulgaria last year. I love the fact that it says “Made in the USSR” on its face

– Carla Danelli studded leather oxfords: I found these gems at a random boutique in Buenos Aires (which happens to be the city where I was born).

– My leather bound red journal

– Navy blue scarf: another one of those items I always find myself wearing after having bought it in a flea market in Florence

 What would you grab? 

˜ ˜ ˜ 

It is an interesting biological fact that all of us have in our veins the exact same percentage of salt in our blood that exists in the ocean, and therefore, we have salt in our blood, in our sweat, in our tears. We are tied to the ocean. And when we go back to the sea—whether it is to sail or to watch it—we are going back from whence we came.

 – John F. Kennedy

Two boys in my bed

Not too long ago I was going through one of the hardest years of my life. I was back at home, unsure of the future, working a job I absolutely hated, and living in a town I cared very little for. I remember coming home at night, exhausted, angry, frustrated and missing my friends, and  then crawling in bed. I wanted to be alone in my misery. Then suddenly, there’d be a slight knock on my door, and a soft voice would say: “banana?”

I’d reply with a grunt, and Jonny would come in and lay in bed with me. Snuggling, we’d call it. We would lay there quietly, watching tv, me playing with his hair, twirling the strands around my fingers. Sometimes I’d try to make Jonny feel uncomfortable and I’d ask him how many girlfriends he had. He’d give a little laugh, already expecting those types of question from me, and say “none.” I’d pretend I didn’t think that was true.

Suddenly, the door would open again, this time without a knock. It’s Sergio. Seeing Jonny and I snuggling, Serg would say: “Hey! What are you guys doing?” And then he’d proceed to jump smack in the middle of the bed, between Jonny and I.

And then I would complain.

I would complain about the two of them and their invasion of my privacy. I’d tell Sergio to knock next time, tell them both to stop talking during the tv show, ask them to give me more space in my own bed,  and eventually  I’d kick them both out of my room so I could go to sleep. Of course they knew me too well to take any of it personally. They somehow understood I was just hiding behind my tough-girl mask, the one that I always put on when sad and frustrated. And they knew me well enough to never actually listen to my requests to leave me alone, because they knew something I hadn’t quite yet realized then: I needed them in order to feel better. I needed their invasion of my privacy and their laughter and hugs. I needed to be suffocated with love.

I loved those nights, spent in bed with my two brothers. And now I realize they were precisely what got me through that entire year.

Balogna, Banana, Jujuba

It’s friday, I’m in love

Sometimes you have to be uncertain about everything in life. A new relationship, a new job, your pending degree, your future career, the places where you should stay and those where you should go… Life is uncertain. Every little thing cannot be planned and thought out. Surprises happen, and sometimes things fall neatly into place simply because you were at the right place, at the right time and with an open mind to accept change.

Today is a good day. It is one of those days when the worries of my life have dissipated. One of those days where the dreams that were being suffocated by logic and reason are once again bright and shiny and not afraid to take center stage in my life.

Like Paulo Coelho said: “The Universe conspires in your favor”

Today it conspired for me.

And I’m grateful and glad, that sometimes things really do just fall neatly into place- regardless of my strength (which Lord knows is so shaky these days) and doubts (which have also been abundant).

So I’ve made plans to make no more plans and live my days one at a time.

“Friday I’m in Love” The Cure

Princes, Damsels and Dragons

Love is about choices.

Although most fairytales are just that- tales about un-existing things, they do hold one element of truth to them: no one ends up with someone they love without first making a choice to fight for them. The Beast must fight against his own nature in order to let Belle into his secrets, and the countless other princes must choose to either fight the dragon or have no damsel. There is no love without a fight, no love without sacrifice.

But even if a prince chooses to fight, we damsels must still allow ourselves the chance to be loved. We can’t just lock ourselves up in the highest tower . We can’t promise to never fall in love again because it hurt so much the last time we had a coward for a prince. We also can’t keep loving the prince who didn’t fight for us forever. We can’t keep seeing the past selectively, reminiscing only about the good and forgetting all the bad. Because in fact, the prince we sometimes thought we had, turned out to be just another coward from up the street.

So as princes line up to fight our battles, to return our slippers and slay our dragons, choose to love, as they have chosen to fight for you. Get down from the tower and remember that the next time someone throws your heart on the floor, with the broken pieces made of glass, you have the power to cut them back.

And no matter what, settle for no less than the prince who will fight your dragons. The prince who will choose to love you, no matter the size of the battle or the height of the tower.

Going back in time through song

One of my favorite things about music (and there are many) is its power take me back to a specific time and place in the past.

I was looking through some of my ancient Brazilian music on my Itunes today and I was bombarded by memories. Below is a selection of my all time favorite tunes that always transport me to my barefeet & carefree days growing up in Brazil.

Skank “Me Sinto Só” 

Daniela Mercury “Nobre Vagabundo”

Banda Magnificos “Me Usa”

This last one in particular makes me laugh a lot. All I remember is me, my sister, and our two best friends singing it at the top of our lungs, doing gestures for added drama. The song basically says “If you love me, take me to bed, light up the flame of love and desire. Our bodies glued together, sweaty from pleasure…” Completely inappropriate lyrics for kids our age, and thus very Brazilian.

Só Pra Contrariar “Domingo”

Cassia Eller “Malandragem”

Opening to Vamp, my favorite soap opera in 1991

I wasn’t allowed to watch it  because it was pretty racy and had vampires as characters, but I did anyways when my parents weren’t home. What a rebellious 6 year old I was.

And I’ll digress with one of my still all-time favorite songs: Kid Abelha “Casinha de Sapê”

“Throw your hands to the sky and be grateful if you have someone who you would like to always have around you- in the street, in the rain, in a ranch, or in a little hut.”