RIP to all the orgasms that could’ve been

There comes a time when a woman needs to bury her missed orgasms. Throw the bones of shame in the dirt. Once and for all.

It’s as if I’m just now learning to befriend my body. Telling the little girl inside me feeling pleasure isn’t a sin.

But feeling numb for years should be.

How much time was wasted in trying to achieve some holy state? When they taught me to pray they asked me to connect to a higher power, but tell me what is mightier than the universe between my legs?

I’m just now learning to explore. To confront my desires. To befriend them as well. I’m just now learning that there’s nothing wrong with my hands or anyone else’s bringing me pleasure if that’s what I want and was created for.

God is a woman.

So for God’s sake, just let her get off.

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Siren call

She called to me in my dreams, kiss me she asked

And I did, because our souls somehow found each other in this crazy world and there is no time to be afraid

Not anymore

She made me question all my notions, spill all my secrets and tears as if it was ok-

I was safe.

Are you my twin flame? I wanted to ask

but decided to settle for dear friend instead.

IPA

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”

I finally understand that saying now, how life can break you just to remake you- stronger, wiser, aware of the beauty in my own breath and the importance of love.

And still.

The last 365 days without you to share my accomplishments and failures with have been the hardest. I have no regrets of things left unsaid like so many others because my words always belonged to you. And the ones I kept locked away you read in my eyes. But what do I do with my words now?

I wish you were still here so I could tell you how much you changed my life, how your love gave me strength, how I finally learned to see myself with your eyes. But the only thing left to do now is remember, celebrate the years of life you had by drinking your favorite IPA. And it all still doesn’t make any sense. You were once a lover but forever my best friend. You challenged me to be better but loved me at my worst, and among all of the things I still don’t understand are your unwavering faith in me and neverending love. You were my soulmate and I was yours, no matter what, we decided. You made me angry, you disappointed me at times, and you were awful with directions and going to bed instead of falling asleep on the couch. And yet. The mornings when you brought me coffee in bed and danced with me on top of your feet in the kitchen and hid from the world underneath piles of blankets in our own grown-up fort and held me close to your heart the first time I let you see me cry and told me it would all be alright… THAT’S what I remember when I think of you now.

I remember you and I remember love.

But I still hate the fact that all I can do is remember. All I can do now is sit here, drinking your favorite beer and writing honest words you’ll never read.

365 days later and I still feel everything.