farewell, self

I like the idea of gifting funerals

to parts of me that

need to die.

I like the idea of offering them a prayer

and saying goodbye with gratitude

for all their teachings

before walking away

cradling new parts of me

in my arms

close to my heart

so they can grow right from the start

knowing so much

love.

Stand by

Any minute now he may call.

so you wait.

hoping to hear the words you know will never come.

 

I’m sorry I took your light as my own

and wore it down to a spark

you deserve better than my selfishness.

you deserve a galaxy to shine in

not a dark, empty sky;

I’m sorry I took your time, your nights, your breath and words

I’m sorry I wanted so much

and didn’t give enough.

 

You wait.

but they never come.

Instead you get to choose between a selfish love or being alone

as if it was even a question-

either one leaves you where you’ve been except

a little sadder now than before.

 

captive audience

I’ve tried to write different words

but my hands just won’t obey

Don’t get excited, I say to myself

But but but… my heart whispers back

can’t you see yourself loving again?

 

and so here I am, captive audience

to logic and love

as lady anger tells me once more

that I shouldn’t have listened

that I should have run

before my heart caved in

and got carried away

in his goodbye.

 

spring & rebirth

outside the window

branches once bare are

full of foliage

and I don’t advertise it but

I love trees so much because

I know what it’s like

to feel dead for so long

and then suddenly be brimming with life-

Spring has a whole new meaning now

and the fresh budding that surrounds me

seems like a miraculous rebirth

that will never again

feel mundane.

 

let’s be honest here

I knew I was in need of silence

and yet I kept gifting countless words

in a sad and futile attempt to

keep his heart engaged

and mine unaware of

it’s aches and pains

truth is I abandoned myself

well before he did

so is it really fair to blame

him for all the heartache

when I was hurting prior to being left?

 

It’s clear now that I was betrayed-

but by my own self

not him.

 

interrogation time

What is it that you’d like to get from me?

the scent of my skin wasn’t enough

and neither were the trail of kisses I left behind

somewhere between your back and the nape of your neck

my warm body next to your cold heart

is the saddest pair of opposites I’ve seen in a while

and let’s not get started on my mind

which you didn’t even try to discover.

 

Tell me-

If I had wings and lived slightly

but forever

out of reach

would you still have pushed me

into goodbye?