Stand by

Any minute now he may call.

so you wait.

hoping to hear the words you know will never come.

 

I’m sorry I took your light as my own

and wore it down to a spark

you deserve better than my selfishness.

you deserve a galaxy to shine in

not a dark, empty sky;

I’m sorry I took your time, your nights, your breath and words

I’m sorry I wanted so much

and didn’t give enough.

 

You wait.

but they never come.

Instead you get to choose between a selfish love or being alone

as if it was even a question-

either one leaves you where you’ve been except

a little sadder now than before.

 

spring & rebirth

outside the window

branches once bare are

full of foliage

and I don’t advertise it but

I love trees so much because

I know what it’s like

to feel dead for so long

and then suddenly be brimming with life-

Spring has a whole new meaning now

and the fresh budding that surrounds me

seems like a miraculous rebirth

that will never again

feel mundane.

 

the day a fly won

I was throwing some wine back when I noticed a small fly of sorts

at the bottom of my glass.

I saw it slowly move its tiny legs and immediately

my heart began to fill with empathy, so naturally

I decided I would save it.

Since I sat pen-in-hand, I dipped the fine tip of my black sharpie

in the deep red and urged the fly to take hold of it,

the act transforming my pen into a

literary lifesaver any writer would appreciate.

Thankfully the fly seemed to cooperate

as it clung to my writing instrument

allowing me to rescue it from the booze and place it

down on the balcony floor.

I laughed a little then

noticing how disoriented my friend seemed

as it stumbled around, getting perilously close to

falling through the cracks with each step it took.

“Maybe this fly has a death wish I know nothing about,” I thought.

Feeling good about my gracious deed

I wiped the Monastrell off the pen

and tried to write again

but to my dismay-

my pen was dead.

I guess it just goes to show that in the end

you can’t save everything.

 

Today the fly won.

snow on the first day of Spring

It’s the first day of Spring.

I press my nose against the cold glass of the door that leads out into the balcony and stare out into the snow- it’s been an hour or so since it started falling and already tree branches support the weight of Winter as rooftops dress themselves in white.

None of life is the way it should be right now.

I wonder for how much longer will I have to stand here, gazing upon the outside world with a foreign sense of hope that arrived suddenly from I don’t know where. I wonder for how much longer I’ll try and hold on to old ways of living and the need to produce something beautiful and worthwhile out of the silence that envelops the entire planet right now.

Is it Winter or is it Spring?

Sometimes life is just as uncertain as the weather.

not this again

I had such a vivid dream last night

that he was standing right outside my door,

a pile of gifts at his feet,

and when I first saw him my stomach sank and

I thought to myself: not this again

and when he noticed my walls going up he whispered

please let me in

 

I don’t remember what happened next-

everything faded to black as if even in my dreams

my heart can’t face the possibility of

having to give him another chance.

 

it makes perfect sense.

 

the end was much too painful to try again.

serendipity

making plans for breakfast after we’ve been lounging in bed for a few hours

kisses have been shared and fingertips have explored

earlobes and back of necks and the curve of the spine

we have discussed deal-breakers

almost as if to confirm to the other

how perfect it is for the two of us

to be together,

we have discussed how odd it is

for life to be made up of numerous

seemingly random choices and events,

what I suppose most people would call fate.

 

Then he gets out of bed and opens the blinds to let the light in

and I open the door and find in front of me

a brand new beginning.

Merry Griefmas

This year it’s just me and my tears and a cup of coffee for breakfast the day before Christmas.

The problem with the Grinch Who Stole Christmas is that not enough emphasis is placed on how he became who he is.When the holidays become hard because of the past, it’s easy to want to have nothing to do with them.

It’s just harder, this time of year, to ignore the pain of loss and heartbreak. It’s as if all the deep wounds float up to the surface for everyone and every encounter to poke about and tear apart.

No matter how much he hurt me when he walked away, I want nothing more right now than to just get everything we once had back.

But wishes can’t be wrapped up and placed under the Christmas tree.

So they stay here, in my heart, reminding me of the lost love that can’t find its way back home for Christmas Day.

Merry Griefmas once again.

onwards and upwards

“You’re so comfortable,” he says after inhaling my skin in the dark.  And we both know that not too long from now, he’ll walk right out the door because he can’t give me enough.

When you deserve the best and the best isn’t him, turns out you get left a lot.

It’s a bit tragic, really.

At least I’ve learned quite a bit from getting left, the most important lesson being this:

Walk away as they do, too.

Why bother staying and why bother trying to stop someone from moving on?

Moving on isn’t the same as moving forwards, after all. I know this because I’m definitely nobody’s backwards. But they do move on- most likely to another soul who is still asleep and unaware of just how much love they deserve.

You have learned your worth. You have studied it, dissected it, turned it inside out to admire the stitching pattern. This is why you’re able to say I love you to his face one last time, ask for the extra set of keys, and close the door on the past.

Now when the next one comes around, you’ll need to be convinced to stay. You’ll search his hands and heart for true treasures and not just shiny fantasies. And he won’t say things like “you’re so comfortable” because your fire will set him aflame, your storms wash any indecision away.

He’ll see in your eyes the enormous amount of love that you  have learned to gift yourself and his challenge then will be

to love you

more

than

that.