the end.

“I’m not in love with you.”

the words drop from his mouth

and fly straight into my gut,

settling down like a bad hangover.

they say hearts break

but mine feels as though

it’s been turned inside out.

It takes my eyes almost a full hour

to let the first tears

fall

they tried so hard not to ruin the makeup

I did to make myself pretty for him.

then I notice his socks are missing from their spot.

then his underwear.

I rummage around the apartment

searching for evidence

that he’s really gone.

That’s when I see the empty spot on the mirror where his toothbrush hung.

That’s a bad sign.

No no one takes their toothbrush anywhere

without first making plans

to stay the night.

He’s probably already on his way to his uncle’s house

and will soon be unpacking clothes that will never again

lay next to mine,

starting his new life

without even a proper goodbye.

 

And I’m in bed trying to read

and drink wine

as if I didn’t feel my heart

being torn apart

inside of me.

 

how you doin’?

I’m enveloped in a cloud of smoke

hoping it’s big enough

to dull my heart

even mezcal wasn’t strong enough-

if anything it just made me miss him

more.

 

If I could talk to him

I would ask

“what are you doing, amore?’

But broken hearts speak like strangers

his words now so carefully arranged

so as not to tear me apart

which is ironic

because it’s much too late

for such niceties now.

 

But hey, that’s ok

maybe this is just what I needed

to get my creative juices

flowing.

Lord knows I’m no stranger to pain.

So I welcome it in.

Tell it I missed it,

even though I was hoping

we’d never see each other again.

Don’t

If you’ve been curious,

if you’ve been thinking about me,

about us-

Don’t.

 

I’m still cursing your name under my breath

Trying to  understand why

I was never enough to warrant a few minutes of your time

after all the hours we spent losing track of it.

 

Anger fills my heart

Tell me, how should I handle it?

My heart only recognizes love

And curse as I may

You’re still here;

In the flakes of snow that fall from the sky,

In the concrete buildings of the city,

In a farmer’s hands,

In your mother’s eyes;

You’re worlds apart and still,

I find you everywhere-

I write for you,

I sing for you,

I cry for you,

I pray for you,

I pretend things are great for you,

I even lie to myself for you.

 

I don’t know how much more predictive I can be

I was a fool,

And you just took advantage of it

 

That day you asked if I always fell for jerks

I said “not always”

Thinking  you wouldn’t be another one of them;

So don’t

Don’t try 

And I won’t any longer.