let’s be honest here

I knew I was in need of silence

and yet I kept gifting countless words

in a sad and futile attempt to

keep his heart engaged

and mine unaware of

it’s aches and pains

truth is I abandoned myself

well before he did

so is it really fair to blame

him for all the heartache

when I was hurting prior to being left?

 

It’s clear now that I was betrayed-

but by my own self

not him.

 

the day a fly won

I was throwing some wine back when I noticed a small fly of sorts

at the bottom of my glass.

I saw it slowly move its tiny legs and immediately

my heart began to fill with empathy, so naturally

I decided I would save it.

Since I sat pen-in-hand, I dipped the fine tip of my black sharpie

in the deep red and urged the fly to take hold of it,

the act transforming my pen into a

literary lifesaver any writer would appreciate.

Thankfully the fly seemed to cooperate

as it clung to my writing instrument

allowing me to rescue it from the booze and place it

down on the balcony floor.

I laughed a little then

noticing how disoriented my friend seemed

as it stumbled around, getting perilously close to

falling through the cracks with each step it took.

“Maybe this fly has a death wish I know nothing about,” I thought.

Feeling good about my gracious deed

I wiped the Monastrell off the pen

and tried to write again

but to my dismay-

my pen was dead.

I guess it just goes to show that in the end

you can’t save everything.

 

Today the fly won.

when love lingers

he lingers behind dates written in black ink

behind the words “this time last year”

he lingers in deep belly laughs and in the artwork

that hangs on the wall

he lingers in slurping fingertips

and wine spills on the coffee table

he lingers in lazy Sundays of booze and cartoons

he lingers in everything he left behind

when no more love remained

in his heart

for me.

 

A day in the Fall

clouds float by and dissipate

one into the other

almost bare branches

hold on to dead leaves

as if they have forgotten

the promise of Spring

change is necessary

I want to remind them

to reach out and shake off all those leaves

and watch them fall to the ground,

one by one kissing their final resting place

 

but I’m not Father Time

and it’s beyond my power to force transformation

on trees and people and my heart

if all are not ready yet

 

So I sit and watch clouds dissipate

one into the other

leaving a faint trace of themselves behind

before taking on a new shape and

embarking on a new path.

 

 

Merry Griefmas

This year it’s just me and my tears and a cup of coffee for breakfast the day before Christmas.

The problem with the Grinch Who Stole Christmas is that not enough emphasis is placed on how he became who he is.When the holidays become hard because of the past, it’s easy to want to have nothing to do with them.

It’s just harder, this time of year, to ignore the pain of loss and heartbreak. It’s as if all the deep wounds float up to the surface for everyone and every encounter to poke about and tear apart.

No matter how much he hurt me when he walked away, I want nothing more right now than to just get everything we once had back.

But wishes can’t be wrapped up and placed under the Christmas tree.

So they stay here, in my heart, reminding me of the lost love that can’t find its way back home for Christmas Day.

Merry Griefmas once again.

endless possibilities

Maybe I’ll move to Mexico.

Maybe I’ll find myself

just to lose myself

and then find myself again.

 

Maybe this is the time to pursue destiny

and not stay stuck in the comfortable.

Maybe this is when I start a whole new chapter, or

maybe it’s an entire book.

 

Maybe endings are actually beginnings

and heartbreaks chances for healing.

Maybe I’m not walking away

but walking towards,

forward,

moving closer to happiness

than I’ve ever been.

 

Maybe mind can remind heart of reality

and maybe the only way to move on

is to move through it.