first light

I talk a lot about darkness because I’ve learned to treat it as an old friend of mine.

But don’t be mistaken-

There’s a lot of light in my life, too.

Light in people and faces, in places and spaces, light that comes suddenly and inundates my entire world in a second’s time. Light that comes in the shape of clouds, of $20 dollar bills found on a deserted staircase, light that comes twinkling down all around me filtered through big tall leaves. Light. So much light. The sun rises over my bedroom window and I lay beneath the covers and notice the golden streams of light dancing- first across my white comforter and then over my face, settling down to make home in my eyes. Sparkling light, new and bright. Virginal light, the kind that carries no shadows or hint of darkness. Because if there’s one thing I learned walking through it, is that darkness ends. Always. And then, there’s all the light. And aren’t you glad you stuck around to see it? You held on for all this light. Of course you can see it down to its atoms. It’s only natural.

Just because I have befriended darkness doesn’t mean I can no longer speak of the light. The light in his eyes when he tells me he loves me. And means it. And then the light in her eyes when she tells me I’m still her favorite person. We lost so much together when he passed, it only makes sense we rebuild our lives together. Brick by brick our love strengthening our breath, giving wind to our feet. Drenched in the light streaming through the big windows of the bar nearby, grabbing drinks and spilling quiet, reluctant tears as we affirm to each other in our silence that we’re doing alright.

Light.

I live in it. I just dabble in darkness sometimes. Perhaps just so as not to lose the habit. We’ve come such a long way, after all. Maybe that’s the biggest gift I’ve gotten out of all the loss: to be able to co-exist in both darkness and light and find beauty in it all.

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What type of warrior are you?

Another dagger in the heart

You’d think by now that 

I’d have learned how 

to use my shield,

how to wield my sword…

Guess I’m just not

the type of warrior 

who fights off love. 

Naive but Free

 

I’m not afraid of great failure or absolute success

What I fear most is the in-between: a mediocre kind of life, without magic or surprises, or nights turned into days where we sat and watched sunrises

without dancing shadows and time to wrap my body around yours, without the pitter patter of tiny feet on cold, wooden floors

without a heart to love the sadness in me and chase it with light-

No, happy enough will never be sufficient for me

 

You’re so naive some like to say

But I rather stay naive and free.

Wild

I don’t have time for tears anymore-

Happiness has become my clock’s battery,

my alarm to wake up

and burn

feel, touch, scream,

cry, bite, love, grow,

scratch past the surface

the mediocre people seem to settle for.

Wild

Sometimes I can be trouble

if I don’t have someone just as wild

to run with.

Stupid Happy

Rubbing the sleep off your eyes

You give me that face

The one that still looks surprised

To find me laying here beside you.

 

Darling, have I told you yet just how much I like you?

I’m sure my eyes have betrayed me

If my mouth has somewhat managed

to stay silent this long

 

It’s not like me to fall like this

It’s not safe to be this unafraid

This comfortable,

this bare,

this happy around you.

But if the other shoe’s gotta drop

I bet I can catch it before we both hit the floor

 

A little faith, love

Maybe scars can heal

Hearts made new

Maybe you’re my salvation

Or maybe it’s just finally our turn

to be stupid happy

in life

in love.