every time

I’m getting tired of telling the same sad story

to different people.

I keep hoping the more I say

he wasn’t in love with me

the less it will hurt and

the more I’ll believe it

but it’s not working so far-

it still feels like a dagger

straight to the heart

every. time.

when love lingers

he lingers behind dates written in black ink

behind the words “this time last year”

he lingers in deep belly laughs and in the artwork

that hangs on the wall

he lingers in slurping fingertips

and wine spills on the coffee table

he lingers in lazy Sundays of booze and cartoons

he lingers in everything he left behind

when no more love remained

in his heart

for me.

 

not this again

I had such a vivid dream last night

that he was standing right outside my door,

a pile of gifts at his feet,

and when I first saw him my stomach sank and

I thought to myself: not this again

and when he noticed my walls going up he whispered

please let me in

 

I don’t remember what happened next-

everything faded to black as if even in my dreams

my heart can’t face the possibility of

having to give him another chance.

 

it makes perfect sense.

 

the end was much too painful to try again.

exclusivity agreement

he has no terms

gives without conditions

wants me as I am

unedited, faults and all,

and to offer me anything I want

whenever I want

all he asks for is three things:

my company, attention, and affection.

 

easy. no complications.

 

Meanwhile

I draft four pages of desires

in what I know is a futile attempt to exert control

over the possibility of another heartbreak.

 

And all he wants in return is my love.

 

Merry Griefmas

This year it’s just me and my tears and a cup of coffee for breakfast the day before Christmas.

The problem with the Grinch Who Stole Christmas is that not enough emphasis is placed on how he became who he is.When the holidays become hard because of the past, it’s easy to want to have nothing to do with them.

It’s just harder, this time of year, to ignore the pain of loss and heartbreak. It’s as if all the deep wounds float up to the surface for everyone and every encounter to poke about and tear apart.

No matter how much he hurt me when he walked away, I want nothing more right now than to just get everything we once had back.

But wishes can’t be wrapped up and placed under the Christmas tree.

So they stay here, in my heart, reminding me of the lost love that can’t find its way back home for Christmas Day.

Merry Griefmas once again.

repeat after me: it’s not personal.

Sometimes heartbreaks have nothing to do with you.

Sometimes hearing “I’m not in love with you” isn’t personal.

Sometimes someone is just so unhappy with themselves

they think walking away from a relationship will solve things

and bring them the happiness they’ve been missing.

Sometimes they just haven’t yet learned

that the sadness inside

has been there all along

and will not subside

with a partner by their side.

It will not subside until they learn

how to make themselves happy on their own again.

 

Sometimes when you love someone

you need to give them space to realize

that they actually really love you, too.

That they actually never fell out of love with you.

They just fell out of love with themselves.

So how can they possibly offer you love now?

Sometimes they’re so empty they can’t even

open their eyes to the truth.

Or maybe it’s just denial

that the problem is them,

and not you.

Not love.

 

Love is never the problem.

 

And sometimes you can offer that person space

and time works in your favor

and love is reborn.

And other times, when you give space

the distance between two hearts

grows too far

to ever go back.

 

Sometimes you just can’t know

how things will work out

so you surrender to the unknown

and walk down a new path

with blind certainty that you’ll be just fine

because you had to learn how to make yourself happy

without needing anyone by your side.

 

You have learned the lessons.

Now it’s their turn.

 

It’s not personal.

 

Sometimes when people leave,

it really has nothing to do with you.

They’re just so lost that

they think it does.

inconceivable

at first

the silence was deafening.

I had almost forgotten how much

he likes to talk.

now

the silence feels settled.

like a warm blanket I wrap myself around.

 

comforting.

 

I’ve barely spoken a word

in the last three days

and sure, I’m heartbroken

but somehow I’m also

in total bliss.