sunshine prayer

sweet sunshine

seep through my skin and settle

deep down into my heart

fill it with the hope of Spring and the promise

of budding trees and blossoming flowers

remind it that everything has a cycle

a beginning and an end

and that rebirth always follows death

again and again and again

teach it to be strong and unwavering

just like you are-

 

darkness may come

but it always bows down

to the light.

snow on the first day of Spring

It’s the first day of Spring.

I press my nose against the cold glass of the door that leads out into the balcony and stare out into the snow- it’s been an hour or so since it started falling and already tree branches support the weight of Winter as rooftops dress themselves in white.

None of life is the way it should be right now.

I wonder for how much longer will I have to stand here, gazing upon the outside world with a foreign sense of hope that arrived suddenly from I don’t know where. I wonder for how much longer I’ll try and hold on to old ways of living and the need to produce something beautiful and worthwhile out of the silence that envelops the entire planet right now.

Is it Winter or is it Spring?

Sometimes life is just as uncertain as the weather.

endless possibilities

Maybe I’ll move to Mexico.

Maybe I’ll find myself

just to lose myself

and then find myself again.

 

Maybe this is the time to pursue destiny

and not stay stuck in the comfortable.

Maybe this is when I start a whole new chapter, or

maybe it’s an entire book.

 

Maybe endings are actually beginnings

and heartbreaks chances for healing.

Maybe I’m not walking away

but walking towards,

forward,

moving closer to happiness

than I’ve ever been.

 

Maybe mind can remind heart of reality

and maybe the only way to move on

is to move through it.

 

 

repeat after me: it’s not personal.

Sometimes heartbreaks have nothing to do with you.

Sometimes hearing “I’m not in love with you” isn’t personal.

Sometimes someone is just so unhappy with themselves

they think walking away from a relationship will solve things

and bring them the happiness they’ve been missing.

Sometimes they just haven’t yet learned

that the sadness inside

has been there all along

and will not subside

with a partner by their side.

It will not subside until they learn

how to make themselves happy on their own again.

 

Sometimes when you love someone

you need to give them space to realize

that they actually really love you, too.

That they actually never fell out of love with you.

They just fell out of love with themselves.

So how can they possibly offer you love now?

Sometimes they’re so empty they can’t even

open their eyes to the truth.

Or maybe it’s just denial

that the problem is them,

and not you.

Not love.

 

Love is never the problem.

 

And sometimes you can offer that person space

and time works in your favor

and love is reborn.

And other times, when you give space

the distance between two hearts

grows too far

to ever go back.

 

Sometimes you just can’t know

how things will work out

so you surrender to the unknown

and walk down a new path

with blind certainty that you’ll be just fine

because you had to learn how to make yourself happy

without needing anyone by your side.

 

You have learned the lessons.

Now it’s their turn.

 

It’s not personal.

 

Sometimes when people leave,

it really has nothing to do with you.

They’re just so lost that

they think it does.

born again

he makes me believe again
in lightness of being
in happiness
my lips don’t want to miss
a single part of his body
my mind wants to undress his completely
my heart no longer so reluctant
to give itself away
no, not to him
he makes me believe again
my eyes want to memorize
the blue of his eyes
my legs wrap around his like vines
keeping him near
keeping him close
breathing in his scent as if it were oxygen
I no longer know who I am
for who was I before him?
I don’t care to know
I don’t need to know
I’m free of the past
and he’s the new beginning
I’ve been asking for.

first light

I talk a lot about darkness because I’ve learned to treat it as an old friend of mine.

But don’t be mistaken-

There’s a lot of light in my life, too.

Light in people and faces, in places and spaces, light that comes suddenly and inundates my entire world in a second’s time. Light that comes in the shape of clouds, of $20 dollar bills found on a deserted staircase, light that comes twinkling down all around me filtered through big tall leaves. Light. So much light. The sun rises over my bedroom window and I lay beneath the covers and notice the golden streams of light dancing- first across my white comforter and then over my face, settling down to make home in my eyes. Sparkling light, new and bright. Virginal light, the kind that carries no shadows or hint of darkness. Because if there’s one thing I learned walking through it, is that darkness ends. Always. And then, there’s all the light. And aren’t you glad you stuck around to see it? You held on for all this light. Of course you can see it down to its atoms. It’s only natural.

Just because I have befriended darkness doesn’t mean I can no longer speak of the light. The light in his eyes when he tells me he loves me. And means it. And then the light in her eyes when she tells me I’m still her favorite person. We lost so much together when he passed, it only makes sense we rebuild our lives together. Brick by brick our love strengthening our breath, giving wind to our feet. Drenched in the light streaming through the big windows of the bar nearby, grabbing drinks and spilling quiet, reluctant tears as we affirm to each other in our silence that we’re doing alright.

Light.

I live in it. I just dabble in darkness sometimes. Perhaps just so as not to lose the habit. We’ve come such a long way, after all. Maybe that’s the biggest gift I’ve gotten out of all the loss: to be able to co-exist in both darkness and light and find beauty in it all.

unexpected friends

IMG_7701

I thank these four walls. These walls I painted icy white while drinking beer and crying tears of joy that I was getting a clean slate. A chance to start over. To let go of the past. To move out of the darkness into light (and quite literally). These walls, which bore witness as I grew past the shell, filled in my bones, made my skin taut with hope. These walls I decorated with art and reclined my back on after long days I pray would soon end.

These walls have been my friend.

My cocoon where I transformed and manifested everything I have now.

I spend a moment thanking them, then take the curtains down, pick up the last box, and go in search of more magic and light.

Wanderlust

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Let’s get away.
Away from all the to-do’s and must-haves and shoulds that the world seems to constantly want to shove into our days. Away from schedules and alarm clocks.
I want to fall asleep under a starry sky held tight in your arms and wake up with your breath still hot on my neck. Let’s just go, follow the dirt road until we can’t anymore, until the river turns into a creek, until the air gets crisp, until we find the perfect spot to lose track of time. And then let’s stay there for a bit, immersed in the magic of it all, just you and me and the sunshine and the breeze and this life we have built. Darling, let’s go away for some time and live as if we’ve never known pain before. As if we’ve never been strangers to one another at one point in time. As if all we have is this moment, right here, right now, with the sun in our eyes and so much hope in our hearts for everything that’s still to come.