sweet sunshine
seep through my skin and settle
deep down into my heart
fill it with the hope of Spring and the promise
of budding trees and blossoming flowers
remind it that everything has a cycle
a beginning and an end
and that rebirth always follows death
again and again and again
teach it to be strong and unwavering
just like you are-
sure, darkness comes
but it always bows down
to the light.
I talk a lot about darkness because I’ve learned to treat it as an old friend of mine.
But don’t be mistaken-
There’s a lot of light in my life, too.
Light in people and faces, in places and spaces, light that comes suddenly and inundates my entire world in a second’s time. Light that comes in the shape of clouds, of $20 dollar bills found on a deserted staircase, light that comes twinkling down all around me filtered through big tall leaves. Light. So much light. The sun rises over my bedroom window and I lay beneath the covers and notice the golden streams of light dancing- first across my white comforter and then over my face, settling down to make home in my eyes. Sparkling light, new and bright. Virginal light, the kind that carries no shadows or hint of darkness. Because if there’s one thing I learned walking through it, is that darkness ends. Always. And then, there’s all the light. And aren’t you glad you stuck around to see it? You held on for all this light. Of course you can see it down to its atoms. It’s only natural.
Just because I have befriended darkness doesn’t mean I can no longer speak of the light. The light in his eyes when he tells me he loves me. And means it. And then the light in her eyes when she tells me I’m still her favorite person. We lost so much together when he passed, it only makes sense we rebuild our lives together. Brick by brick our love strengthening our breath, giving wind to our feet. Drenched in the light streaming through the big windows of the bar nearby, grabbing drinks and spilling quiet, reluctant tears as we affirm to each other in our silence that we’re doing alright.
Light.
I live in it. I just dabble in darkness sometimes. Perhaps just so as not to lose the habit. We’ve come such a long way, after all. Maybe that’s the biggest gift I’ve gotten out of all the loss: to be able to co-exist in both darkness and light and find beauty in it all.
I thank these four walls. These walls I painted icy white while drinking beer and crying tears of joy that I was getting a clean slate. A chance to start over. To let go of the past. To move out of the darkness into light (and quite literally). These walls, which bore witness as I grew past the shell, filled in my bones, made my skin taut with hope. These walls I decorated with art and reclined my back on after long days I pray would soon end.
These walls have been my friend.
My cocoon where I transformed and manifested everything I have now.
I spend a moment thanking them, then take the curtains down, pick up the last box, and go in search of more magic and light.
For the dark corners
you have learned to embrace
and the soft spaces
you still keep;
for the fragile strength
that has carried you through
and the bravery you’ve shown
when you stared death in the face
and chose instead
to live.
to love.
For the decision you make
day after day to keep hope
within reach
and let go of grief,
for the honest tears you’ve shed
so openly with yourself
and the mountains you climbed
on your way
to peace;
For your eyes and lips
and ears and fingertips
and hot breath in your lungs
for staying present
through it all;
For what was
what is
and what will be.
for growth.
For the voice you birthed from the pain
and for the courage you’ve found to walk away
and let the past
die for good.
For Spring after Winter.
For the light in the darkness.
For rebirth.
For you.
I promise to love you for exactly who you are
all your nooks and crannies,
all the white lies you’ll say to spare me,
and even the darkness you carry in your heart
for without it there would’ve never been light
and we wouldn’t have met
because the darkness I used to have
I know you once had it, too.
You should know by now that it’s just the way things go. they taste the universe inside you and then get comfortable basking in your glow until they decide they don’t have enough light to give back. and yet they still take. your scent and skin and the taste of your lips and give nothing back to fill up the empty space they leave after they take and take your everything away.
You’re the fire that everyone crowds around for
not the flame forgotten lit by the window.
don’t let them treat you
as if you’re some sort of
ordinary light.
Been searching for you in the zodiac
Are you out there, lost in time and space, too?
Firedust and burning stars
And my supernova that you never had the pleasure to meet
Bright, beautiful
Perfect light
You gotta set yourself on fire if you want my kind of Supernova bright.
Lets get lost
I’ll find myself, in you
Nestled in your arms
Here is heaven on earth
My very own paradise
One, two times
Three
Don’t leave
I’m starting to need your goodnight kiss
These shadows only dance for you, you see?
Ray of light
I want to teach you things
Let you in
Until we’re so entangled I can’t tell
where you end
and where I,
begin.
