glutton

he reminds me when I need to slow down-

he stands and waits

heart in hand

trying his best to trade love

for my words

but sometimes I don’t have any

so I gift him I-don’t-knows instead

and wait in silence

for logic to clue me in.

Isn’t it strange

the way life can be so blurry

but sobering,

so logical and real

and borderline boring

and how I can still wish

for storms.

Stability unknown

I crave the comfort of chaos

while I seek magic in the small moments-

while brushing my teeth

or during our daily dances in the kitchen

I have it all

and still some part of me

wants more.

it is never enough.

Guess I’m just a glutton

for love.

after goodbye

I move the furniture around and buy a new plant to replace the one he left with.

I decorate the coffee table he built and think of the day when he sat down on the couch and with my hands in his, committed to starting a home with me.

“I’ll build us a coffee table” he said.

looking back now it all seemed so promising,

the singular becoming plural, our lives merging.

Now the plural reverts to the singular

because this home is again

just mine.

 

I have put thought into every corner of this place. I manifested a home and I love it in a way I’ve never loved four walls before.

I just hate having to see him around here these days.

No matter how much palo santo I burn to cleanse him out of my space, he is still holding me naked against that wall, our lips tasting of mezcal, my hand pulling on the hair at the nape of his neck as we both give in to sin.

he is still sitting beside me on the couch

talking nonstop about this thing or the other

And I’m still cooking him dinner with only an apron on,

still lighting the candles and serenading him as I dance around,

still looking over at him with awe,

still giving away

so much love.

 

it’s sickening.

 

I’m still sitting here

waiting for him to come home

just like I always did

Back when there was a we.

 

repeat after me: it’s not personal.

Sometimes heartbreaks have nothing to do with you.

Sometimes hearing “I’m not in love with you” isn’t personal.

Sometimes someone is just so unhappy with themselves

they think walking away from a relationship will solve things

and bring them the happiness they’ve been missing.

Sometimes they just haven’t yet learned

that the sadness inside

has been there all along

and will not subside

with a partner by their side.

It will not subside until they learn

how to make themselves happy on their own again.

 

Sometimes when you love someone

you need to give them space to realize

that they actually really love you, too.

That they actually never fell out of love with you.

They just fell out of love with themselves.

So how can they possibly offer you love now?

Sometimes they’re so empty they can’t even

open their eyes to the truth.

Or maybe it’s just denial

that the problem is them,

and not you.

Not love.

 

Love is never the problem.

 

And sometimes you can offer that person space

and time works in your favor

and love is reborn.

And other times, when you give space

the distance between two hearts

grows too far

to ever go back.

 

Sometimes you just can’t know

how things will work out

so you surrender to the unknown

and walk down a new path

with blind certainty that you’ll be just fine

because you had to learn how to make yourself happy

without needing anyone by your side.

 

You have learned the lessons.

Now it’s their turn.

 

It’s not personal.

 

Sometimes when people leave,

it really has nothing to do with you.

They’re just so lost that

they think it does.

born again

he makes me believe again
in lightness of being
in happiness
my lips don’t want to miss
a single part of his body
my mind wants to undress his completely
my heart no longer so reluctant
to give itself away
no, not to him
he makes me believe again
my eyes want to memorize
the blue of his eyes
my legs wrap around his like vines
keeping him near
keeping him close
breathing in his scent as if it were oxygen
I no longer know who I am
for who was I before him?
I don’t care to know
I don’t need to know
I’m free of the past
and he’s the new beginning
I’ve been asking for.

tsunami

he comes rushing in my mind again

he does that so much these days

invades my thoughts

turns the equilibrium

off

in love

I lose control

and that’s never been my forte

I have to learn what it means

to let go of fear and

fully

trust

perhaps a few tragedies

really are enough

perhaps I am

worthy

of being

adored

perhaps he really is

who he says he is

perhaps I am safe

perhaps I am loved

I have let go of so much in the past

why is it so hard

to let go

of the hurt?

perhaps the light

feels a bit uncomfortable

to eyes that grew used to shadows

but running away

is no longer

an option

I’ll just have to teach

my heart

to readjust

I’ll just have to tell myself

that it’s ok

that it’s safe now

and promise that there’s nothing to lose

or fear this time

I stared death in the face

and kissed each cheek goodbye

Happiness is mine.

All I have to do

is show up.