attempts at meditation

I sit cross-legged on my living room floor with eyes closed as I search for my center, holding rose quartz gemstones in the palm of each hand. I imagine healing energy flowing from my hands straight to my heart as I look inwards and outwards through my third eye in search of messages, signs, movements, colors, sparks, really anything but darkness. Then suddenly I see very faintly, the image of a door and the shadow of someone dancing behind it.

Blackout.

Next I see dancing rainbows- an explosion of orderly colors continuously moving parallel to each other, an infinity of joy and happiness. I start laughing at the silly nature of these images and immediately I understand what all of this means. As I sit in stillness alone with my sadness, I’m being told to lighten up and not take everything so seriously.

And so what if my heart broke? How great to have loved so much!

And so what if he left? I’m never really alone.

As these realizations dawn on me like soft rain, I  start to sense hundreds of people sitting in a circle around me and I feel so much love and peace.

And in that moment, in the silence, cross-legged alone on the floor of my living room, I understand that I’m safe.

I’m protected.

 

 

tsunami

he comes rushing in my mind again

he does that so much these days

invades my thoughts

turns the equilibrium

off

in love

I lose control

and that’s never been my forte

I have to learn what it means

to let go of fear and

fully

trust

perhaps a few tragedies

really are enough

perhaps I am

worthy

of being

adored

perhaps he really is

who he says he is

perhaps I am safe

perhaps I am loved

I have let go of so much in the past

why is it so hard

to let go

of the hurt?

perhaps the light

feels a bit uncomfortable

to eyes that grew used to shadows

but running away

is no longer

an option

I’ll just have to teach

my heart

to readjust

I’ll just have to tell myself

that it’s ok

that it’s safe now

and promise that there’s nothing to lose

or fear this time

I stared death in the face

and kissed each cheek goodbye

Happiness is mine.

All I have to do

is show up.