let’s be honest here

I knew I was in need of silence

and yet I kept gifting countless words

in a sad and futile attempt to

keep his heart engaged

and mine unaware of

it’s aches and pains

truth is I abandoned myself

well before he did

so is it really fair to blame

him for all the heartache

when I was hurting prior to being left?

 

It’s clear now that I was betrayed-

but by my own self

not him.

 

interrogation time

What is it that you’d like to get from me?

the scent of my skin wasn’t enough

and neither were the trail of kisses I left behind

somewhere between your back and the nape of your neck

my warm body next to your cold heart

is the saddest pair of opposites I’ve seen in a while

and let’s not get started on my mind

which you didn’t even try to discover.

 

Tell me-

If I had wings and lived slightly

but forever

out of reach

would you still have pushed me

into goodbye?

brick by brick

I’m well aware of my walls.

I spent years building them, after all-

I mixed every hurt and heartbreak with my tears

and out of this sad mix

I built the bricks

that surround me now.

I’m well aware of my thorns.

I get pricked by them too, after all-

sometimes distance hurts the most

for the one who creates it

and if pain is the other side of pleasure

you need to go through a bit of wounding

to earn my love lately.

 

heart peel

slowly I peel my heart open as if it were a banana

one sliver at a time

attempting to leave the untouched part of it

safe and intact

fresh and unweathered

but I know eventually I’ll have to stand naked

in my vulnerability,

lower my walls and

pull back my thorns-

 

even the most beautiful rose is nothing

if not loved and adored.

exclusivity agreement

he has no terms

gives without conditions

wants me as I am

unedited, faults and all,

and to offer me anything I want

whenever I want

all he asks for is three things:

my company, attention, and affection.

 

easy. no complications.

 

Meanwhile

I draft four pages of desires

in what I know is a futile attempt to exert control

over the possibility of another heartbreak.

 

And all he wants in return is my love.

 

Merry Griefmas

This year it’s just me and my tears and a cup of coffee for breakfast the day before Christmas.

The problem with the Grinch Who Stole Christmas is that not enough emphasis is placed on how he became who he is.When the holidays become hard because of the past, it’s easy to want to have nothing to do with them.

It’s just harder, this time of year, to ignore the pain of loss and heartbreak. It’s as if all the deep wounds float up to the surface for everyone and every encounter to poke about and tear apart.

No matter how much he hurt me when he walked away, I want nothing more right now than to just get everything we once had back.

But wishes can’t be wrapped up and placed under the Christmas tree.

So they stay here, in my heart, reminding me of the lost love that can’t find its way back home for Christmas Day.

Merry Griefmas once again.

Tonglen

He pulled her out into the street and with his arm around her waist, he started to sway both their bodies back and forth, a crooked smile on his face giving away his intentions.

Her feet fumbled to follow along, which made her feel grateful that their only audience then were the rows of bushes lit up in Christmas lights. It was 2 a.m. and they were drunk, but the thrill of sharing a silent dance in the middle of the street with a stranger  was far more intoxicating than all the alcohol ingested in the last couple of hours. And lucky for him, she had always been a sucker for magic and romance. For silent nights and all the possibilities in life that leads one to connect with a total stranger.

So she let him hold her small palms in his rough hands and inched herself closer to get high off his suffering, moving her body right along to his unbalanced feet as she breathed in his pain and breathed out comfort. Tonglen. A lion’s roar could’ve been heard coming from her heart then- it you had been around and were connected enough to listen.

She understood how darkness felt.

She knew he needed saving.

And as luck would have it, sometimes she liked to switch parts and become someone else’s savior for a change. Every now and then she needed to be the one who was seen as strong.

Playing Damsel in Distress was starting to get old.