despacito

little by little

I let him into my world

opening a window to my soul here,

a door to my heart there,

but only because he keeps knocking.

 

little by little

I find more and more reasons

to let down my guard.

Merry Griefmas

This year it’s just me and my tears and a cup of coffee for breakfast the day before Christmas.

The problem with the Grinch Who Stole Christmas is that not enough emphasis is placed on how he became who he is.When the holidays become hard because of the past, it’s easy to want to have nothing to do with them.

It’s just harder, this time of year, to ignore the pain of loss and heartbreak. It’s as if all the deep wounds float up to the surface for everyone and every encounter to poke about and tear apart.

No matter how much he hurt me when he walked away, I want nothing more right now than to just get everything we once had back.

But wishes can’t be wrapped up and placed under the Christmas tree.

So they stay here, in my heart, reminding me of the lost love that can’t find its way back home for Christmas Day.

Merry Griefmas once again.

Tonglen

He pulled her out into the street and with his arm around her waist, he started to sway both their bodies back and forth, a crooked smile on his face giving away his intentions.

Her feet fumbled to follow along, which made her feel grateful that their only audience then were the rows of bushes lit up in Christmas lights. It was 2 a.m. and they were drunk, but the thrill of sharing a silent dance in the middle of the street with a stranger  was far more intoxicating than all the alcohol ingested in the last couple of hours. And lucky for him, she had always been a sucker for magic and romance. For silent nights and all the possibilities in life that leads one to connect with a total stranger.

So she let him hold her small palms in his rough hands and inched herself closer to get high off his suffering, moving her body right along to his unbalanced feet as she breathed in his pain and breathed out comfort. Tonglen. A lion’s roar could’ve been heard coming from her heart then- it you had been around and were connected enough to listen.

She understood how darkness felt.

She knew he needed saving.

And as luck would have it, sometimes she liked to switch parts and become someone else’s savior for a change. Every now and then she needed to be the one who was seen as strong.

Playing Damsel in Distress was starting to get old.

tsunami

he comes rushing in my mind again

he does that so much these days

invades my thoughts

turns the equilibrium

off

in love

I lose control

and that’s never been my forte

I have to learn what it means

to let go of fear and

fully

trust

perhaps a few tragedies

really are enough

perhaps I am

worthy

of being

adored

perhaps he really is

who he says he is

perhaps I am safe

perhaps I am loved

I have let go of so much in the past

why is it so hard

to let go

of the hurt?

perhaps the light

feels a bit uncomfortable

to eyes that grew used to shadows

but running away

is no longer

an option

I’ll just have to teach

my heart

to readjust

I’ll just have to tell myself

that it’s ok

that it’s safe now

and promise that there’s nothing to lose

or fear this time

I stared death in the face

and kissed each cheek goodbye

Happiness is mine.

All I have to do

is show up.

edge of change

I’ve fought for a lot in this life

and if I have to add our love to the list

then so be it.

I will not just walk away

from the storms and tears.

And I won’t let you do the same.

I’ll face them head on

shatter in pieces in front of you

if that’s what it takes for you to realize

that even crashing waves can’t keep me away from the sea.

I love the ocean too much.

Just the way I love you.

Without limits, borders, or end

My emotions crash down like 10 feet waves and

I pack my bags but can’t seem to leave

This door never felt so heavy and big before

And if I have to carry the strength to support

your heart, darling

Trust me when I say that I got it. I can handle it. Life and death have made me strong

And these tears I spill in front of you, these hesitant feet, are proof of it.

I learned to stay and not run away anymore.

Even when washed ashore

You will find me at the edge of the sea the next chance I get.

Don’t give up on me.

I never wanted anything more

than you and I

and this love.

For you

For the dark corners
you have learned to embrace
and the soft spaces
you still keep;
for the fragile strength
that has carried you through
and the bravery you’ve shown
when you stared death in the face
and chose instead
to live.
to love.

For the decision you make
day after day to keep hope
within reach
and let go of grief,
for the honest tears you’ve shed
so openly with yourself
and the mountains you climbed
on your way
to peace;
For your eyes and lips
and ears and fingertips
and hot breath in your lungs
for staying present
through it all;
For what was
what is
and what will be.
for growth.
For the voice you birthed from the pain
and for the courage you’ve found to walk away
and let the past
die for good.

For Spring after Winter.
For the light in the darkness.
For rebirth.
For you.